Tell Your Best Joke

Challenge write the next line in this song

I’m at a boat show trying to call home all of my money spent on you
Now I have to wait to go fishing till sun shines in paradise
 
VANCOUVER ISLAND CAUTION:

In regards to all the people wanting to move here from Alberta and Ontario as well as many other heavily populated cities across the country, as well as those wanting to visit...

Before you come to Vancouver Island to visit you must be aware of what is happening here. Especially, around the mid island and all of south island! There's a housing shortage, rent has tripled, and folks are vacationing here in record numbers...

So if you plan on moving here, or just plan on vacationing on our beaches, river bottoms, or lakes this summer, I think you should know that wolf spiders, fire ants and bedbugs have infested hotels and motels across the area due to dryer than usual weather. The woods will eat you alive with ticks and chiggers.

Our lakes are full of gators, fresh water sharks, and creepy old guys wearing speedos.

Our rivers are full of drunks in tubes peeing themselves while the banjo players lay waiting in the bushes.

Cougars have eaten many domesticated animals and possibly some small children.

The local bear and elk population are all 'in heat' and think your wife/girlfriend is hot.

Snakes... don’t even get me started on the water headed copper moccasins here, and the Diamond Back Rattler Cobras.

The poison ivy has overtaken all other vegetation.

We have had bear sightings at every park and town they are after your picnic baskets….and some cougars have been spotted in motel rooms and bars.

Watch out for the jackalopes, they have been extremely aggressive this season.

We have the sasquatch invading our parks and it’s their mating season. Porcupines are "stabbing" small children should they dare to utilize the local playground equipment.

Skunks have made their way over and multiplied at unprecedented rates and wander the local campgrounds in packs looking for beer.

Murder hornets!?! We’ve got great black clouds of murder hornets, and swarms of giant crickets and even some American bullfrogs.

Scorpions have been congregating in massive quantities under rocks, logs, wooden steps, automobiles, and tarantulas are now stealing peoples food and biting like crazy.

I’m pretty sure all private tiger owners (we had a jump in them after Tiger King) have released their cats into the streets of our cities and towns.

Head lice now fly and we have vampire bats.

Oh, and no one is vaccinated.

(Copied)
 
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A guy's marriage is on the rocks. Really close to being finished. He's always out drinking with his friends and coming home drunk. His wife warns him, "if you go out drinking with your friends one more time, we're finished for good!"

The guy promises his wife he'll clean up his act. He really cares about her and is ready to turn over a new leaf.

A few sober and responsible weeks later, he's finishing up his day at the office when his good drinking buddy leans into his cubicle and says:
"Guy, let's go get a drink. It's been a rough week, and we deserve it. C'mon Guy, you're being a nag!" At first he declines, but thinking about how tough the past week has been, and how great he's been doing with sobriety, he eventually agrees to a single drink.

These types of things being what they are, and going like they do, one drink turns into eight and sober turns into very drunk. So drunk, in fact that Guy ends up covered in his own vomit.

At this point, despite his current condition, Guy realizes how badly he's messed up. "This will do it" he says to his friend, feeling very sorry for himself. "My wife will give me boot for sure..."

His friend looks him over, shaking his head and says "Guy, this is no big deal. I have a plan that will keep you golden for sure. See this twenty dollar bill? Put it in your pocket. When you get home, and your wife sees the vomit on you, calmly explain to her that on your way out of the office today, a drunk guy stumbled up to you and barfed all over you. Tell her that he was so sorry, that he gave you this twenty dollar bill to pay for the dry cleaning!"

Guy thinks about it for a second, and concludes that this might just work. The twenty dollar bill will definitely seal the deal. He thanks his friend, splashes some water on his face and heads home.

Not surprisingly, when he opens the front door (it's kinda late) his wife is there waiting for him, and she's pretty angry. She looks Guy up and down, and screams "you've been out drinking again! You're covered in puke and you stink! Get out of my house, you drunk"

Guy is ready for this. He was preparing his response the entire ride home.

"Baby, wait! I can explain! It's really so stupid, it's kinda funny. I had a long day at the office, and as I walked outside, this drunk guy bumped right into me and threw up on clothes! Gross, I know, but it's the truth I swear!"


His wife is not convinced.

Guy is ready, though.

"Baby, I gotta get these clothes off, but look, if you don't believe me just check my pocket. The fella that got sick on me felt so bad, he put a twenty dollar bill in my pocket to pay for the dry cleaning. Thats how you know I'm telling you the truth! Go ahead and check!"

His wife reaches into his pocket, careful to avoid the vomit, and pulls out two folded twenty dollar bills. This calms her somewhat; it is a pretty strange explanation, but the money is there so maybe Guy is telling the truth?

She looks back at Guy, and says " I'm sorry I doubted you, Honey. But I thought you said he gave you one twenty dollar bill. What's the second one for?"

Guy has this covered too...



"Oh, that one is from another fella that crapped in my pants"
 
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