Tell Your Best Joke

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Trump thinks that sounded pretty good so he agrees.

The devil opens the first room. In it is Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He keeps diving in and surfacing empty-handed over and over and over, such is his fate in Hell.

"No!" Trump says. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The Devil leads him to the next room. In it is Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he does is swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" cries Trump.

The Devil opens a third door. In it, Trump sees Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spreadeagle pose. Bent over him is Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Trump looks at this in disbelief for a while and finally says, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The Devil smiles and says, "Monica, you're free to go!"
 
A duck walks into a bar and says "Got any bread?". Bartender says "No we only serve beer". Next day the duck comes back says "Got any bread?" Bartender is pissed off by now and says "You come back and ask if I've got any bread again I'm gonna nail your beak to the bar". Next day the duck walks in and says "Got any nails?" Bartender says "No I dont have any f@$king nails" duck replies "Got any bread"
 
My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children. If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow.
 
In times like these I draw on my long experience as a dad to assure people that parenting gets way easier as the years go on. Seemed like once the kids turned 30, they practically raised themselves.
 

Heaven​

An eighty-five-year-old couple, married for almost sixty years, died in a car crash.
They had been in good health the last ten years, mainly as a result of her interest in health food and exercise.
When they reached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion, which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and a master bath suite with a sauna and Jacuzzi.
As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
"It's free," Peter replied. "This is Heaven!"
Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges every day, and each week the course would change to a new one that represented one of the great golf courses on Earth. The old man asked,
"What are the green fees?"
Peter's reply: "This is Heaven; you play for free."
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out.
"How much to eat?" asked the old man.
"Don't you understand yet? This is Heaven; it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation.
"Well, where are the low-fat and low-cholesterol tables?"
The old man asked timidly.
Peter explained . . .
"That's the best part: You can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven!"
With that, the old man threw down his hat, stomped on it, and shrieked wildly.
Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.
The old man looked at his wife and said,
"This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!
Click to expand...
 
Not sure if I posted this one yet and too many pages to check lol
80 year old guy sitting on a downtown bench looking very sad or depressed. A cop walking buy sits down and asks if he alright? The old boy says oh I'm fine. I'm 80 years old and have the sex drive of a 40 year old man and everything works as it should. I met a young lady who is 27 years old and she just adores older men and she can't get enough sex in a day. I do my best to keep up to her and so far I think I have kept her quite happy. The cop is kinda confused and says well that sounds great so why are you sitting here all by yourself looking so bummed? The old guy says....I forget where I live!!

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Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
 
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