Tell Your Best Joke
- Thread starter Stizzla
- Start date
Sir Reel
Well-Known Member
A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years, you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER: The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck; who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
The agent asked, "What's your name?"
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian."
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to change your name."
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old. I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years, you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you."
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER: The agent opens an envelope sent to his office. Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck; who would possibly send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...
Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood, you told me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation.
Thank you for your advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke
Stizzla
Crew Member
That’s gotta be up near the top of the list for best joke on here! Knee slapper!
Newf
Crew Member
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night
after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to
sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening,
Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat
and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
just hold it for awhile."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usualmeeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found
him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who
was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun-!! What
does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to
sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening,
Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat
and before they know it, several hours have passed.
After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks
"Do you know what I miss most of all?"
She asks, "What?''
"Sex." he replies.
Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I
held a gun to your head!"
"I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could
just hold it for awhile."
"Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers,
removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.
Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden
where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie.
Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usualmeeting place.
Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K.
She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found
him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who
was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun-!! What
does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's"
BigBird007
Crew Member
Newf
Crew Member
Don't think I posted this one last year but who knows.
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied,
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”
A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk. A man came in and asked the farmer,
“Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?”
The farmer shook his head and replied,
“Some things you just can’t explain.”
“So what happened that’s so horrible?” the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
“Well,” the farmer said, “today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.”
“Okay,” said the man, “but that’s not so bad.” “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer replied. “So what happened then?” the man asked. The farmer said, “I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.”
The man laughed and said, “Again?” The farmer replied, “Some things you just can’t explain.” “So, what did you do then?” the man asked.
“I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.”
“And then?”
“Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.”
“Hmmm,” the man said and nodded his head. “Some things you just can’t explain,” the farmer said.
“So, what did you do?” the man asked.
“Well,” the farmer said, “I didn’t have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in… Some things you just can’t explain.”
