Tell Your Best Joke

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met'.
She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.
Once again, the wife is touched to tears. 'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses The words were not coming easily. 'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car'
'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to prison for 20 years'
'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said "I would have gotten out today.
 
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT ENJOY A LITTLE CHURCH HUMOR.
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A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning.
He said "Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind."
The pastor shouted out "CROSS." Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, "THE OLD RUGGED CROSS."
The pastor hollered out "GRACE."
The congregation began to sing "AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound."
The pastor said "POWER." The congregation sang "THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD."
The Pastor said "SEX". The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing "PRECIOUS MEMORIES".
 
A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment, the woman notices this and asks, “is your date running late?” “No” he replies, “I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says, “A State-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” The cowboy explains,” It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.” The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?” Well it says “you’re not wearing any panties.” The woman giggles and replies “well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!” The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, “Damn thing’s an hour fast.”
 
Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange. We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.' I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.
On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.'
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.
Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm sure his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.


Husband's Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out.
 
Teacher asks the class if there are eleven birds on a wire and you shoot one how many are left little Johnny quickly answers none teacher says wrong there’s ten but why did you say none
Little Johnny says as soon as the gun makes a bang they all fly away
She says I like the way you think Johnny
Little Johnny asks if three lady’s are eating an ice cream cone how can you tell which one is married the teacher says is it the one that licks from the bottom to the top ? No says Johnny is it the one that sucks on the top no says Johnny is it the one that rolls the cone as she licks she asks no says Johnny it’s the one with the ring on her finger! But I like the way you think
 
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. :
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
“If I hear that word one more time, I’ll quit!”
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.”
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said,
“You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
“I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!”
 
Newf said:
There’s this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery. :
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said,
“If I hear that word one more time, I’ll quit!”
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word.
Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.”
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned.
The priest said,
“You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word.
Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said,
“I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!”
Click to expand...
Help me I’ve fallen and can’t get up
 
Professor X: What's your super power?
Mutant: Hindsight
Professor X: That's not going to help us at all
Mutant: Yes, I see that now
 
Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

You really didn't believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?



Take care.
 
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