Tell Your Best Joke

pescador said:
Me : What's the wifi password?

Bartender : you need to buy a drink first.

Me : Okay, I'll have a coke.

Bartender : Is Pepsi ok?

Me : Sure, How much is that?

Bartender : 3$

Me : There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Bartender : you need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
Click to expand...
I actually lol'd. I don't even know why it wasn't THAT funny. All in the delivery I guess?
 
As @Stizzla pointed out earlier, this thread will only last if the jokes are kept "clean" enough. This is a fishing forum where women and younger people do visit and participate, so use some common sense when posting your jokes and it will survive. If that can't be met it will disappear.

Brian
 
Old timer out fishing with his wife. Leans to net a fish, turns around and the ol misses is gone! Distraught and upset he gps coordinates and seeks out police. Police send divers to position to search. Later that day day a knock on the door... police...we have some bad news, also some good news! As well as some really good news! My goodness the poor husband responds, I guess let’s have the bad news. We located your deceased wife’s body. Oh my god exclaims the poor man! What on earth is the good news then he asks? Well, the officer replies, there were 5 really nice Dungeness crabs attached to her. Good lord! Exclaims the man, what on earth would be the really good news?

We are going to haul her up again in the morning.
 
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm
gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....BOB, wake up....... You've sh@t the bed!
 
Gareth said:
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....' Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St.. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home....

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm
gonna explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '

'Never,' said Bob.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....BOB, wake up....... You've sh@t the bed!
Click to expand...
Ive been laughing a lot over that one. That was quite the twist!
Edit: snap! that was your first ever post!
 
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At a recent funeral those in attendance were witness to the arrival of a black pickup towing a black tinny carrying a coffin. One of the men in attendance turned to anotheranf said " he must have been an avid fisherman" The other man replied " he still is - he's going to the lake as soon as he buries his wife".
 
Ps if anyone wants to hear (see) the most offensive joke, pm me with an offensive joke of your own.
 
So a guy gets thrown in the slammer. First night his cell mate shouts out....."Number 7!"...
All the guys in the cells up and down the corridor crack up.
Once things quiet down again somebody else chimes in ......"Number 4!"
Again, there's a raucous burst of laughter from up and down the corridor.

He turns to his cell mate.

"What's up with the number thing?", he asks.

"Each number refers to a joke. Everyone's heard them so many times before, nobody wants to go through all the hassle of telling them over again so we just refer to each of the different jokes by a number"

So the new guy thinks about this for a minute or two then blurts out...."Number 12!"

Stone cold silence. Not even a chuckle.

"So what gives?", he asks his cell mate. "No reaction. Nothing"

"Dude, you told it wrong!"
 
Should you tell him or I.

Admin said:
As @Stizzla pointed out earlier, this thread will only last if the jokes are kept "clean" enough. This is a fishing forum where women and younger people do visit and participate, so use some common sense when posting your jokes and it will survive. If that can't be met it will disappear.

Brian
Click to expand...

Not age appropriate for some. But I get it. At least once in a while.
 
Back To Clean Jokes:

While leading a tour of kindergarten students through our hospital, I overheard a conversation between one little girl and an x-ray technician.

"Have you ever broken a bone?" he asked.

"Yes," the girl replied.

"Did it hurt?"

"No."

"Really? Which bone did you break?"

"My sister's arm."
 
A blonde woman really badly cuts off a big rig on the highway. He passes her and directs her to pull over onto the dirt shoulder. He gets out of his truck and instructs her to hop out of her convertible.

He draws a circle in the dirt about 4’ wide with his boot in the dirt and instructs her to stay inside the circle. He lights a cigar.
He then get a baseball bat out with one swift blow, shatters her windshield.
The trucker looks back to see how upset she is, but to his surprise, she’s smiling ear to ear and can barely hold in laughter.
Now, even more frustrated, he decides he’s really going to teach her a lesson. He pulls out his pocket knife and slashes two of her tires.
Again she’s delighted and now chuckling into her hands.
He’s had enough so he grabs a gas can out of his truck and pours in all over her leather seats and flicks his cigar into the car setting it fully ablaze.
Now she’s laughing uncontrollably! He looks at her and asks,
“What is so damn funny?!”
So she replies,
“Every time you went back to my car. I stepped out of the circle!
 
Little johnny and his two friends decide to go to a costume party ,at this party it is required to dress as a emotion.Bouncer at the door ask the first boy"what are you"boy replys "I am dressed head to toe in red for rage" bouncer says "come in".Bouncer asks the second boy "what are you" boy replys "i am dressed head to toe in green for envy " bouncer says "come in". Now little johnny standing there stark naked with a hollowed pear on his weiner .Bouncer asks "what are you" johnny replys "I'm deep in dispare".
 
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