Tell Your Best Joke
- Thread starter Stizzla
- Start date
Newf
Crew Member
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away . The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead . I just can’t take that chance!"
I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."
"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.
"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.
A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts. I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.
After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.
I asked her, "Why don't you eat them yourself?"
"Because we've got no teeth", she replied.
"Then why do you buy them?", I asked.
"Oh, because we just love the chocolate around them."
Sea Chaser
Crew Member
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it – so I drank it.
Then I got him an Old Style, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.
It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.
By the time we got down to the Irish whiskey . . .
I could hardly push the stroller back home.
Sir Rainbow of Trout
Member
Three old ladies are in a car. They get pulled over, and the policeman asks the driver why she's doing 15 in a 90 zone, because driving that slow on a highway is dangerous. The driver says "That sign says it's a 15 km/h speed limit!". The policeman says "Oh no ma'am. That says you are on Highway 15. This is a 90 zone." Driver: "Ok, thank you. I was about to call the cops because I was the only one not doing 90 in a 15 zone." Cop: "If I may ask though, why do your passengers look terrified?" Driver: "Oh, they're fine, we just turned off Highway 245."
IronNoggin
Well-Known Member
A guy walks into a large crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol, and yelled I have a 45 caliber colt 1911 with a 7 round magazine and one in the chamber.
I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.
A voice calls out from the back of the room, " You"ll need more Ammo"
I want to know who has been sleeping with my wife.
A voice calls out from the back of the room, " You"ll need more Ammo"
