Tell Your Best Joke
- Thread starter Stizzla
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Sotally Tober
Well-Known Member
Great idea if you live in an area prone to floods
Great idea if you live in an area prone to floods
Or your planning and permits department is a like some we might know
Stizzla
Crew Member
Dearest @Bill 310
Please slow down. Quality not quantity. It’s kinda turned into a meme thread and I intended on people telling a joke
For example:
A smoking hot blond turned 21 and her friends convinced her that it’s time for her to have her first gynaecologist check up.
She goes to the office and is clearly nervous and uneasy in the waiting room. The gynaecologist is a male which doesn’t help, but she’s heard he’s the best…
She’s led into a private room and the doctor comes in and introduces himself. He says it’s natural to be nervous but he’s proud of her for taking such good care of her health. He asked her if she would like him to numb the area first, which she agrees to. So he gets down on his knees, lifts up her skirt and goes,
“NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM!”
Please slow down. Quality not quantity. It’s kinda turned into a meme thread and I intended on people telling a joke
For example:
A smoking hot blond turned 21 and her friends convinced her that it’s time for her to have her first gynaecologist check up.
She goes to the office and is clearly nervous and uneasy in the waiting room. The gynaecologist is a male which doesn’t help, but she’s heard he’s the best…
She’s led into a private room and the doctor comes in and introduces himself. He says it’s natural to be nervous but he’s proud of her for taking such good care of her health. He asked her if she would like him to numb the area first, which she agrees to. So he gets down on his knees, lifts up her skirt and goes,
“NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM, NUM!”
Dearest Stizzla,
Thank you for both the guidance and setting the bar with your latest example.
Please accept my apologies. I can see where one might see me as being selfish with all the "Meme, Meme, Meme," and not thinking of others.
To atone for my past transgressions I will begin on my path towards redemption with the joke ranked number one on the internet according to the research done by Robin Dunbar, Professor of Evolutionary Psychology at the University of Oxford, and a Fellow of Magdalen College. (seriously)
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
There are 9 more I can share later.
Last edited:
Sotally Tober
Well-Known Member
Apparently you need to start your own ‘Humour Thread’.Dearest Stizzla,
Thank you for both the guidance and setting the bar with your latest example.
Please accept my apologies. I can see where one might see me as being selfish with all the "Meme, Meme, Meme," and not thinking of others.
To atone for my past transgressions I will begin on my path towards redemption with the joke ranked number one on the internet according to the research done by Robin Dunbar, Professor of Evolutionary Psychology at the University of Oxford, and a Fellow of Magdalen College. (seriously)
A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: ‘What the hell was that all about?’
There are 9 more I can share later.
maybe call it
‘Humour Thread No Joking’
Leave the jokes only for this thread.
Just a thought.
I will wait to be crucified and banned.
Good knowing you all.
Apparently you need to start your own ‘Humour Thread’.
maybe call it
‘Humour Thread No Joking’
Leave the jokes only for this thread.
Just a thought.
I will wait to be crucified and banned.
Good knowing you all.
I might have gone with The Punny Pages. However, starting another thread is counter productive.
This is, after all, a fishing/boat/marine forum and I want to be respectful towards Stizzla's wishes for the Joke thread.
A second thread just adds clutter and the mods might rightly decide to blend the two threads together in order to keep extraneous threads to a minimum..
Newf
Crew Member
Don't believe them when they say that no one is watching!!!!
A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE !!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
A man calls Pizza hut to order a pizza...
CALLER: Is this Pizza Hut?
GOOGLE: No sir, it's Google Pizza.
CALLER: I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.
GOOGLE: No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.
CALLER: OK. I would like to order a pizza.
GOOGLE: Do you want your usual, sir?
CALLER: My usual? You know me?
GOOGLE: According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.
CALLER: Super! That’s what I’ll have.
GOOGLE: May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?
CALLER: What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!
GOOGLE: Your cholesterol is not good, sir.
CALLER: How do you know that?
GOOGLE: Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.
CALLER: Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.
GOOGLE: Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.
CALLER: I bought more from another Pharmacy.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.
CALLER: I paid in cash.
GOOGLE: But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.
CALLER: I have other sources of cash.
GOOGLE: That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!
CALLER: WHAT THE !!!
GOOGLE: I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.
CALLER: Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.
GOOGLE: I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...
sly_karma
Crew Member
Haha that was funny, I laughed. Wife asked me what was funny, so I showed her my screen, she laughed too. So did Alexa.
sly_karma
Crew Member
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the washroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the washroom by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"
"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the washroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the washroom by 76.39 per cent."
I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."
Newf
Crew Member
Dear Tide:
I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me.
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with
his blood
on my new white blouse as well!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out
so well the detectives
who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative
and then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief!
Going through menopause
is bad enough
without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, I
have to write to
the Hefty Bag people.
I am writing to say
what an excellent product
you have.
I've used it all of my married life,
as my Mom always told me.
it was the best.
Now that I am in my fifties
I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago,
I spilled some red wine
on my new white blouse.
My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was,
and generally started becoming
a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with
his blood
on my new white blouse as well!
I grabbed my bottle
of Tide with bleach alternative and
to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out
so well the detectives
who came by yesterday
told me that the DNA tests
on my blouse were negative
and then my attorney called
and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief!
Going through menopause
is bad enough
without being a murder suspect!
I thank you, once again,
for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, I
have to write to
the Hefty Bag people.
