Tell Your Best Joke
- Thread starter Stizzla
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IronNoggin
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Loghauler
Well-Known Member
The River detangle lure
Dr. Epstein, a world- renowned physician, was invited back to his hometown to give a public lecture. On the evening of the talk, the auditorium was packed with friends, acquaintances, and people who were proud of their native son.
He walked onto the stage in the big auditorium and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off and hit the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, he inadvertently farted. Because his rear end was so close to the microphone, the amplified sound reverberated throughout the entire building. The doctor was mortified, but somehow kept his composure long enough to deliver his speech.
When he was done, he raced out the stage door, vowing never to set foot in his hometown again.
Decades later, he returned to visit his elderly mother, who was very ill. He arrived under cover of darkness and checked into his hotel under the name Levy.
“Is this your first visit to our town, Mr. Levy?” asked the hotel clerk.
“No, young man” replied Dr. Epstein. “I grew up here but I moved away a long time ago.”
“And you never visit?” the clerk inquired.
“Well, actually I did visit once, but I had a very embarrassing experience and I didn’t feel I could come back and face the people here”.
“Mr. Levy” offered the clerk, “far be it for me to give advice to such a distinguished gentleman as yourself, but one thing I’ve learned in my young life is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even noticed by others. And that’s probably the case with your incident too”.
“Thank you, but I doubt that’s true of my incident” replied Dr. Epstein.
“Why? Was it a long time ago?”
“Yes, it was a long time ago”.
“
Oh,” said the clerk. “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”
He walked onto the stage in the big auditorium and placed his papers on the lectern, but they slid off and hit the floor. As he bent over to retrieve them, he inadvertently farted. Because his rear end was so close to the microphone, the amplified sound reverberated throughout the entire building. The doctor was mortified, but somehow kept his composure long enough to deliver his speech.
When he was done, he raced out the stage door, vowing never to set foot in his hometown again.
Decades later, he returned to visit his elderly mother, who was very ill. He arrived under cover of darkness and checked into his hotel under the name Levy.
“Is this your first visit to our town, Mr. Levy?” asked the hotel clerk.
“No, young man” replied Dr. Epstein. “I grew up here but I moved away a long time ago.”
“And you never visit?” the clerk inquired.
“Well, actually I did visit once, but I had a very embarrassing experience and I didn’t feel I could come back and face the people here”.
“Mr. Levy” offered the clerk, “far be it for me to give advice to such a distinguished gentleman as yourself, but one thing I’ve learned in my young life is that often what seems embarrassing to me isn’t even noticed by others. And that’s probably the case with your incident too”.
“Thank you, but I doubt that’s true of my incident” replied Dr. Epstein.
“Why? Was it a long time ago?”
“Yes, it was a long time ago”.
“
Oh,” said the clerk. “Was it before or after the Epstein Fart?”
TheHurtLocker
Well-Known Member
IronNoggin
Well-Known Member
Haverodwilltravel
Member
A man is sound asleep in bed with his wife when there is a knock on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then, a louder knock follows. "Are you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is this man standing wobbling on the doorstep. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize he was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "I can't sheem to get it schtarted. Can you gives me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed, says the man and slams the door shut.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened - and she says; "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get the car started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," replies the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help - and it's the right thing to help him."
So the husband drags himself out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts out, "Hey, do you still need a push??"
He hears a voice cry out in the rain, "Yesch, please."
Still unable to see the stranger, he shouts out; "well... where are you?!"
The drunk replies, "I'm over here... on the swing set..."
Then, a louder knock follows. "Are you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs.
He opens the door and there is this man standing wobbling on the doorstep. It didn't take the homeowner long to realize he was drunk.
"Hi there," slurs the stranger. "I can't sheem to get it schtarted. Can you gives me a push??"
"No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed, says the man and slams the door shut.
He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened - and she says; "Honey, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the babysitter and you had to knock on that man's door to get the car started again? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost??"
"But the guy was drunk," replies the husband.
"It doesn't matter," says the wife. "He needs our help - and it's the right thing to help him."
So the husband drags himself out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts out, "Hey, do you still need a push??"
He hears a voice cry out in the rain, "Yesch, please."
Still unable to see the stranger, he shouts out; "well... where are you?!"
The drunk replies, "I'm over here... on the swing set..."