Joke of the Day

[Whole in the Water]

We'll start with this one....

A Man received the following text from his neighbor:

I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have

to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night

when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not

getting any at home, but that's no excuse.



I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will

accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't

happen again.


Bob, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom,

grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and

killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn auto-correct. I meant "wifi", not "wife."

 

[Time]

Back at you.


The lawyer says to the CEO: “I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”

The CEO replies: “I have had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”

The lawyer says: "Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures today that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 million…”

The CEO replies enthusiastically: “Well done, very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what is the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you having sex with your secretary.”

 

[Kildonan]

Q: Why do lawyers wear neckties?

A: To keep the foreskin from creeping up their necks.

 

[sammyslabber]

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."
Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it.
After the store was locked up, the boss came down to the sales floor.

"How many customers bought something from you today?"
The kid frowns and looks at the floor and mutters,"One".
The boss says "Just one?! Our sales people average sales to 20 to 30 customers a day. That will have to change,and soon, if you'd like to continue your employment
here. We have very strict standards for our sales force here in Florida. One sale a day might have been acceptable in North Dakota, but you're not on the farm anymore,son."

The kid took his beating, but continued to look at his shoes, so the boss felt kinda bad for chewing him out on his first day. He asked (semi-sarcastically), "So, how much was your one sale for?"
The kid looks up at his boss and says "$101,237.65".
The boss, astonished, says "$101,237.65?! What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "Well, first, I sold him some new fish hooks. Then I sold him a new fishing rod to go with his new hooks. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Expedition.

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a TRUCK!?" The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing."

 

[scott craven]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to
change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could
think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the
parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]​[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out
onto John's outstretched arms and said "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do
everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude.

As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior,
the bird spoke-up, very softly, "May I ask what the turkey did?"[/FONT]

 

[JuandeOne]

So, this Irishman walks out of a bar.

 

[scott craven]

Irishman don't walk out of bars ?

 

[JuandeOne]

Irishman don't walk out of bars ?

You got it Scott!

 

[dwflyrod]

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but

here is one:




Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small

tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is

that tree a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'




The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the

sapling.




The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that

is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'




The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is

neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best

piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into

 

[Finished Business]

 

[nooky]

An oldie but a goodie.

 

[dougthefisher]

Knock Knock
Whos there?
The police
What do you want?
We just want to talk,
How many of you are there?
2
Then talk to each other, goodbye!

 

[Fish Assassin]

Sex is like snow, they will never know how many inches they're going to get or how long it will last

 

[sammyslabber]

[TABLE="width: 100%"]
<tbody>[TR]
[TD]

HE'S MY BROTHER Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." <tbody> </tbody>

<tbody>
</tbody>

[/TD]
[/TR]
</tbody>[/TABLE]

 

[Cuba Libre]

[TABLE="width: 100%"]
<tbody>[TR]
[TD]

HE'S MY BROTHER Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?' 'Eight', the boy replied. The man continued, 'Do you know what these are used for?' The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four." "Oh, really?" the pharmacist replied with a grin. "Yes." the boy said. "We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do none of those." <tbody> </tbody>

<tbody>
</tbody>

[/TD]
[/TR]
</tbody>[/TABLE]

That is a hoot!!!!!!

 

[dougthefisher]

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we have no bread."

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"

Duck says: "Got any bread?"

Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"

Duck says: "Got any nails?"

Barman says: "No"

Duck says: "Got any bread?

 

[Fish Assassin]

Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.

 

[dougthefisher]

One weekend, the husband is in the bathroom shaving when the kid he hired to mow his lawn, a local kid named Bubba, comes in to pee. The husband slyly looks over and is shocked at how immensely endowed Bubba is. He can't help himself, and asks Bubba what his secret is.

"Well," says Bubba, "every night before I climb into bed with a girl, I whack my penis on the bedpost three times. It works, and it sure impresses the girls!"

The husband was excited at this easy suggestion and decided to try it that very night. So before climbing into bed with his wife, he took out his penis and whacked it three times on the bedpost. His wife, half-asleep, said, "Bubba? Is that you?"

 

[bigbruce]

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, 'Kin ya breathe?'
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth.As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His partner says, 'Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver' but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!'

 

[dougthefisher]

10 Facts About You:
1. You're reading this now.
2. You're realizing that this is a stupid fact.
4. You didn't notice I skipped number 3.
5. You're checking now.
6. You're smiling.
7. You're still reading this even though it is stupid.
9. You didn't realize I skipped number 8.
10.You're checking again and smiling because you fell for it again.
11. You're enjoying this.
12. You didn't realize I said 10 facts not 12.