Joke of da Day

[the fog ducker]

A great joke for a great day boy's

thx Jay



GREAT ANSWER



A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, He floored it to 100mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the M1, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 120mph,then 130mph then 140mph Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The old man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir", said the policeman

 

[CIVANO]

A man and his wife were enjoying the evening on the back porch. The husband said "I love you". The wife asked "is that you or your beer talking"? He replied "it is me talking to my beer.

 

[goalie]

I went into the gas station today and
asked for five dollars worth of gas...

The clerk farted and gave me a receipt.

 

[high tide]

Hear about Charlie Sheen.......?

He got caught with enough crack to kill 2 1/2 Men.

HT

 

[ThistledewII]

I stopped by the Chevrolet Dealership yesterday, for a look at the used Silverado 2010, 1500 pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test drive. I wanted to sense that new "feel" before they become extinct...

The salesman (a young man wearing an Stephen Harper lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat describing the truck and all its "wonderful" options.. The seats were of particular interest. He explained that the seats directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed cool air to your butt in the summer heat. Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be a used Liberal party truck.

Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a used gov't truck. I explained that if it were a Conservative truck, the seats would blow smoke up your butt year-round.

I had to walk back to the dealership... Damn guy had no sense of humor.

 

[SpringFever2359]

The Pope and Michael Ignatieff are on the same stage in Rogers Stadium in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mr. Ignatieff and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, but will go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Ignatieff replied, "I seriously doubt that! With one little wave of your hand....Show me!"



So the Pope backhanded him and knocked him off the stage!

AND THE CROWD ROARED & CHEERED WILDLY!







​

 

[ThistledewII]

Now that had to be weird. The young prince had his stag party. I couldn't see myself stuffing money in some strippers britches with the picture of my Grandmother on it.

 

[Gunsmith]

A Newfie is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, "Have you found Jesus my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he
pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

 

[SpringFever2359]

OK here's one...



A man was on the water for his weekly fishing trip. He began his day with
an 8-pound bass on the first cast and a 7-pounder on the second.
On the third cast he had just caught his first ever bass over 11 pounds when his cell phone rang.

It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible
accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the
doctor to inform his wife where he was and that he'd be there as soon as
possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to
be his best day ever on the water.

He decided to get in a couple of more casts before heading to the
hospital. He ended up fishing the rest of the morning, finishing his trip
with a stringer like he'd never seen, with 3 bass over 10 pounds. He was
jubilant .

Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty, he dashed to the hospital.
He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, ''You went ahead and finished your
fishing trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were
out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the pond, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished,because it will be more than likely the last fishing trip you ever take!''

''For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And
you'll be her care giver forever!''
The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed.

The doctor then chuckled and said, ''I'm just pulling your leg. She's
dead. What'd you catch?''