Walmart Humour

[Sitkaspruce]

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty, woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart"[][:0]

 

[Striper Sniper]

I had to modify this one a little, hope it works.

Four Worms and a lesson to be learned

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a can of Lucky Beer.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of pot smoke.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in Lucky Beer - Dead.
The second worm in pot smoke - Dead
Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead
Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation: “What did you learn from this demonstration”?
An old knarled fisherman was sitting in the back, quickly raised his hand and said,

'As long as you drink Lucky Beer, smoke pot and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!'

That pretty much ended the service --

SS

 

[Talons]

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Danny, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse on this stupid question, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn't, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutriti onally complete so I was going to try it again.

(I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.

I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's butt and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard!

WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore!!!

 

[totally tyee]

Recently on a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was
there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove
off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry
night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn, and then
switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed
a little, and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up
his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over
and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement, the breathalyzer
indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the
Police Station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."
"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight, I'm the designated decoy."