New Bellringer Wanted

gallows

Member
I MAKE NO APOLOGIES FOR THIS !!!!!



After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.
Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,

' ................. BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'


WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.



'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but....'





(. . . Wait for it ...)




(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)






'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'




Well, I thought it was funny. Must be my British sense of humour...
 
Just an inside joke, Holmse knows what I mean.

Just kiddin around, seeing as how this appears to be the lame humour thread.
 
I may have dropped a clanger posting this. Got tolled off from the wife. I thought the joke would be more a pealing. lol
 
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The you must know Jack Schitt.
 
Yes I do. Jack **** is the only son of Awe **** who married O ****, owners of Knee Deep in **** Inc. Jack **** married No ****. The couple had 6 children:Holy ****,Giva ****,Fulla ****,Bull ****,the twins Deep **** & Dip ****. Deep **** married Dumb **** a high school dropout. After 15 years, Jack & No **** got divorced & married Ted Sherlock & became No **** Sherlock. So, the next time someone says you don't know Jack ****, you can proudly say, "Yes, I do
 
A true story;)





A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...


Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home
drunk on Bud Light, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in
your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes
to bed in his Bud Light stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and
reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home
drunk on Bud Light, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he
didn't touch me!"

Doctor: ".....You see how much keeping your mouth shut..... helps.....!?"
 
With all the gloom and doom going on right now, missing fisherman, Cohen inquiry, halibut etc, a bit of light humour is always welcome. It's all good!! We all need a daily smile!!
 
Q: What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes.

A: Nothing - she's already been told
 
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Before I got my divorce my wife suggested that I get a penis enlarger. I did, she is 21 and her name is Shelley.
 
There was a man who had been having terrible headaches for nearly twenty years and was at the point where he wanted to end his own life, but he decided to go to a specialist first.

No doctor could solve his problem, until finally one of them said "You have a very rare problem, your testicles are pressed up against your spine causing your headache. The only way to remedy it is to remove your testicles."

The man hesitantly agrees and gets them removed.

On his way home, after the operation, feeling a little depressed, he walks past a tailor shop with a sign saying "ALL SUITS HALF PRICE"

Being in need of a new suit and needing cheering up, he walks in where an elderly man greets him and says "Hello Sir I see you want a suit, I would say that you are a 34 sleeve and a 24 pant."

"Wow! How did you know that?" said the man.

"Why Sir I've been in this business for 40 years. Would you like shoes to go with that?"

"Sure" says the man. "Okay I'd say that you're a size 10 wide."

"Ok, now you're freaking me out...Thats a great talent" says the man.

"Thanks" replied the shopkeeper, "Now how about some undergarments?"

"Ok see if you can guess my size", said the man.

"Easy 36" said the shopkeeper.

"Nope, you're wrong there, i'm 34" replied the man.

To which the shopkeeper exclaimed "Impossible a size 34 would press your testicles against your spine and you'de get a terrible headache".

.
 
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